What is not love?
Earlier, we dealt with what is love. Now let us look at a few emotional manifestations which may appear to be love but not so in reality.
1. Possessive love
Possessiveness is not love. Even if it is your own child, your sibling or your spouse; or someone whom you are madly in ‘love’ with, they need to enjoy their own personal freedom in order to have healthy relation with others. You have no right to guard over them like a police officer over a prisoner. When a person is afflicted with possessive love, it often motivates that person to inflict mental or physical injuries, and at times even to cause death to the person whom he/she thinks loves. ‘Acid attack’ because she refused his overtures. ‘Cold-blooded murder’ because he suspected her fidelity. These are common occurrence, these days.
Would you wish to harm a person whom you truly love? Possessive love is a form of emotion that is based on selfishness and not love.
A boy saw a tree with ripe apples. And he told his friend, “I love apples”, and climbed up the tree. A tiger saw a goat drinking water at the brook and said to himself, “I love goats”, and leaped on it. Did that boy really love the apple? No, he liked it. And did that tiger really love the goat? No, the tiger liked it (the meat).
This is exactly what happens with several boy-girl and man-woman love affairs. They like (something in) each other, but not necessarily love each other. And the end is often a deep unhealable wound or an outright disaster, often suffered alone by the female.
Liking a person merely for his/her physical attributes or talents is not love. You may be drawn to that person because you like his/her knowledge, intelligence, artistic talents, sex appeal, behavioural traits, pleasing manners, physical features and the like. However, you will be actually in love with that person only when such initial attractions lead you to find some commonness of purpose between you both, which could help in keeping your togetherness alive.
3. Self-interest love
Self-interest love is not love. It is worse than ‘cupboard love’. The right word for this kind of love is in Hindi language. It is called ‘Mathlabi Pyar (मतलबी प्यार), meaning an outward expression of love towards someone because you wish to receive some favour from that person now or on a future date. You are being selfish; you are not in love with that person. You are tricking a person for your advantage.
4. Imaginary love
‘Loving’ a person because you see that person as one who can satisfy your craving for wealth, sex, power, position, etc., is not love although you may actually believe that you are in love. Those who are not immediately aware of this fact should ponder over it. You are actually in love with what that person can give you rather than with that person himself/herself. Therefore your ‘love’ relation is most likely to fall apart as soon as you have attained your actual wish or when that person loses any of those attributes that drew you near him/her, or as soon as the glamour of those items wears off your mind.
It is the same for others, too. For example, a man may be in love with you and make persuasive overtures. You should make sure that what he (for example) sees in you is not your wealth or your beauty.
5. Forcible Love
Love cannot be thrust upon anyone. That would mean you are causing violence and also that you are violating another individual’s personal rights. Neither can you buy love. It has to be generated on its own. There can be no compulsions.
6. Pity or sympathy
Pity or sympathy towards a person, without compassion is not love.
7. Eros or Sex
This is yet another expression of human feelings, which is not Love. This topic has been separately dealt with in this website for convenience. Please click here to visit that page.
Other two pages that are related to love, and worth reading are listed below. You can click any one of them to start with.
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